A Formal Apology

Anonymity is a dangerous thing. It makes us feel powerful and invincible, but it has a way of getting out hand. This is due to a complete disregard for ACCOUNTABILITY. This holds true for many things, including BLOGGING. If a year of college has taught me ANYTHING it’s that I am SEVERELY JUDGMENTAL. I already knew this about myself, but God has really been putting it on my heart lately that, as strongly as I may feel about something, I don’t always have to VERBALIZE my opinions. Despite my borderline ARROGANT self confidence, the world does not thrive off of EVERY WORD I SAY. That is why I am apologizing to everyone who has read my previous posts. While not all of them are bad, I have crossed the line in a few. Some people in the world may do things that irritate me or cause me to complain,  but that does NOT mean that I have the right to post COWARDLY VIRTUAL INSULTS. Honestly, I think I would have been a better person to have just said what I typed to those people in person. That said, I will try my UTMOST in the future to rein in my opinions about individual groups and/or people because it DEFINITELY is not my place to call them out for their weaknesses and short-comings when I have just as many if not more. As much as I would like to delete these posts, I will be leaving them up to serve as reminders of what I am desperately trying to control.

God HAS blessed you, whether you believe in Him or not.

-Alyssa

Spirit Inebriation. Wait, WHAT?

As an EXTREMELY rational individual, I would like to point something out.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to experience a high by “smoking the Holy Spirit”.

Where in the HELL would ANYONE get such an outrageously STUPID idea? As much as I really don’t want to believe that Christians are SO DESPERATE to feel physical pleasure that they could even ENTERTAIN the notion, there is evidence all over the internet that ENTIRE CHURCHES are on board with this absolute LOAD OF GARBAGE. There are videos on YouTube featuring metro-sexual hipsters with disgusting beards holding imaginary joints in their hands and toking the air saying that they’re actually INHALING the Holy Spirit. But if they truly believe they’re smoking Jesus, WHY WOULDN’T IT WORK? Oh, yeah. BECAUSE GOD IS NOT A DRUG OR EVEN A PHYSICAL BEING AT ALL. Sure, he was physical in the early first century, but HE DIED in case you neo-hippies didn’t get the memo. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if you had FORGOTTEN that part, because you are all so completely WASTED from the other drugs you’re doing to mask the fact that JESUS IS UN- SMOKABLE that you simply CANNOT HANDLE REALITY. Some would argue that, because I haven’t tried to smoke Jesus, I can’t make the call that it’s impossible. As full of scientific reasoning and logic as that may be, (Great job on remembering the fundamentals of 6th grade science by the way. I’M SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU) a purely scientific mindset can depreciate one’s view of the world. In order to FULLY and ACCURATELY assess something, one must remember common sense, which is something you people who believe in spirit inebriation evidently DO NOT POSSESS. I would also like to add that even if you COULD smoke Jesus, would you REALLY rather do that then have a relationship with Him? If your answer is yes, then CONGRATULATIONS. That takes the CAKE for the most THOUGHTLESS ANSWER IN THE UNIVERSE.

I wish you all TERRIFYING TRIPS as you continue with your “spirit abuse” and a HEAVY dose of reality along with them. May your showers forever be that annoying temperature between hot and cold that EVERYBODY HATES, and may that spot in the middle of your backs that no one can reach be FOREVER ITCHY.

-Alyssa

In the Event of A Zombie Apocalypse

Lately my mind has been wandering  through possible battle tactics for effective zombie extermination.  This is probably because  I’ve been watching the AMC show, The Walking Dead. The show is just so INTENSE that you can’t help but wonder how exactly everything would go down if there ever was some kind of outbreak like that for real. These wanderings led me to the internet in search of ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL TIPS. Because I now have a decently severe case of ZOMBIE PARANOIA, I though I would share with you what I feel are the most important points about how to survive a pandemic of this nature.

1. Stay in Shape.

There are FAST ZOMBIES and SLOW ZOMBIES, but you won’t know what the apocalypse holds until it happens. This being the case, you should prepare for the worst (fast zombies) and be able to sprint at least until you can find a safe place. Even if you’re only dealing with slow zombies, it’s still good to be fit. You never know when you might need to run for it.

2. Safe-house.

Find a place that’s in an OPEN AREA, preferably not in any kind of sub-urban setting and DEFINITELY NOT IN AN URBAN SETTING. Big cities have tall buildings and you won’t be able to see your full surroundings. Cities also have much larger populations which means there will be a larger population of zombies. The ideal safe-house would be an IRON FORTRESS ON A MOUNTAIN, so keep that in mind when choosing your location. You want it to be hard to get to and hard to find, but easy enough for you to get to in a hurry. Cover ANY and ALL windows with towels or fabric to make sure that light won’t escape at night. Designate a single door as the entrance/exit to your base and lock/board up all other doors.

3. Buddy System.

Find a few smart people you can trust and stick with them. It always helps to have back-up when fighting off hordes of BRAIN-HUNGRY MONSTERS, and waiting out an apocalypse can be pretty much like solitary confinement if you don’t have anyone to talk to.

4. Stay alert.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Without sleep, protecting yourself will become more and more DIFFICULT. It will probably be harder to get your minimum 7 hours of sleep with zombies creeping around outside, but you need to try. A benefit of having the buddy system is that you can have watch shifts so that everyone can sleep a little more peacefully.

5. Arm Yourself.

Even if you are holed up in a really safe and well stocked place, you still need to keep a weapon with you at ALL TIMES. You never know when something will go wrong. I recommend SILENT WEAPONS e.g. baseball bats, crowbars, shovels, etc. Weapons like guns, although they can be massively effective, are loud and will draw EVERY ZOMBIE IN THE GENERAL AREA to your location. Guns need ammo. If you run out you’re basically screwed, and anyway, bats and shovels offer much more satisfaction when killing a zombie. In fact, beating a zombie to a pulp with a bat would be a GREAT way to deal with the heightened stress levels you will inevitably experience.

6. Transportation.

Your legs are probably the best way to go. Although all terrain vehicles are faster than zombies and can be effective shields and even weapons against them, THEY NEED GAS. Bikes are faster than running, but if you are being pursued, you need to put AS MANY OBSTACLES AS YOU CAN between you and the zombie(s). This is not such an easy feat on a bike, as bikes are less maneuverable and can’t jump over walls.

7. Hydrate or Die.

If you can, you should CARRY WATER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. It is the most important thing to your survival because about three days without it will KILL YOU. Find a water bottle or SOMETHING that you can refill. When you’re in for the long haul, you’ll be glad you have it.

8. Nourishment.

It’s NEVER a good idea to carry opened food with you. If zombies can smell humans, then they can DEFINITELY smell your food. Canned food may not have a smell when it’s unopened, but it’s heavy and noisy and will only slow you down. Keep your base well stocked, because it’s really going to SUCK if you run out and have to go find food every time you get hungry. IDEALLY, you would have seen this coming and already have a large stash of food started, but let’s face it, that’s not realistic. The best way to get food is either to go hunting, which is going to be relatively more dangerous than normal, or to RANSACK GAS STATIONS AND GROCERY STORES. The grocery store option is the better one. It’s still going to be dangerous, considering there might be a zombie cashier or two, or ten roaming around. My advice? Take a weapon and LOTS OF COURAGE with you.

God Bless, and may you all survive the zombie pandemic that will, according to the laws of science, be highly unlikely to occur!

-Alyssa

Fall Is In the Air (And Also In My Sinuses)

Yep. It’s here again. AUTUMN. Not that I don’t like Fall or anything, I actually find it quite enjoyable, I just hate all of the freaking pollen! In CASE you didn’t notice, plants, it’s NOT summer anymore! I understand that you feel the need to have your plant sex and everything, but your children are just going to DIE when it freezes! So there is really no need to try and make light of your pathetic existence with your reproductive abilities. It’s really just TOO LATE in the season for that. All you are really doing is subjecting your precious offspring to DEATH BY HYPOTHERMIA. That’s right. The contents of their little vascular tubes are going to SLOWLY and PAINFULLY freeze until their tiny plant systems just CROAK. Do you want that? DO YOU WANT THAT, PLANTS? Well, anyway, Fall kind of came up behind me and Spartan kicked me in the kidneys. The weather has been pretty consistently in the mid 70′s to low 80′s these past few weeks, and all of a sudden this morning, it was in the 30′s and it didn’t rise much above that all day. Also, whoever’s in charge of nasty Mayfield’s heating and air conditioning units switched everything over to heat while I was on Fall break without telling me. This resulted in my room being about 1,000 DEGREES when I returned. I was NOT, to say the least, all that thrilled. AND, since my room only has ONE window that opens (THANK YOU MAYFIELD), it was BLOODY HELL trying to cool it down to a temperature at which human body functions can peacfully operate. You know what would make Mayfield better? Nuc-ing it and starting over COMPLETELY from scratch. I’ll GLADLY do the honors.

God bless your little frozen hearts, plants!

-Alyssa

Interesting Things Have Been Happening Lately….

Practical jokes are STINKIN’ AWESOME. Just last week, two of my friends that live down the hall from me were MERCILESSLY pranked with flowers. This LOVELY escapade was made possible because the girls I am speaking of like to leave their window open (that’s right, we only get ONE window that opens in nasty Mayfield) on nice days. Evidently, the open window was common knowledge, because some boys decided to crawl through the window, unlock the door from the inside, and shove EVERY FLOWER POT ON CAMPUS into the room. Some of these flower pots were rather large and, consequently, took up the ENTIRETY of the small amount of floor space. I APPLAUD these strapping gentlemen for their success and I hope to see more of their shenanigans in the future. Needless to say, I find Tom-foolery HIGHLY entertaining.

God Bless, and may you ALL come home to a room full of flowers, rainbows, and UNICORNS!

-Alyssa

Ignorance is NOT Bliss

OK. The ignorance has officially gone TOO FAR. I am from the south, this I will calmly admit without any shame whatsoever. However, when people from the northern half of the country decide to get smart with my half of the country, THAT is when I get feisty. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT INCEST IS TOLERATED IN THE STATE OF ARKANSAS. Oh, I’m sorry. Was I too loud there? Did I damage the membranes of your delicate city boy ears? We DO NOT have sex with our family members! And while I’m on this topic, I would also like to add that we DO WEAR SHOES. All the time, in fact. I graduated from a high school who’s academics rank with the TOP SCHOOLS IN NORTH AMERICA, so don’t you think for one more second that we are all ILLITERATE, DRAWLING HICKS down here. The next time you want to sound clever, why not think before you open your mouth? Here’s what I think, you pasty, urban, mouth-breather. YOU are the stupid, illiterate, drawling hick. YES, YOU. Because you had the AUDACITY and self-righteous attitude to assume  things about people you’ve never met simply because you let ARCHAIC STEREOTYPES form your opinions. Have you ever even been to the south, you pathetic vomitous mass? Probably NOT. I bet you sit inside all day and play Black Ops until your eyes start to fizzle from watching all of the fake muzzle flashes. You, sir, are a MENACE TO SOCIETY. I wish you no success in life, and I hope you live out the rest of your days in the most UNETHICAL and UNCOMFORTABLE way possible.

You DISGUST me, and may the fleas of A THOUSAND CAMELS infest your armpits.

-Alyssa

All Moved In!

So, all of my stuff is now located in a small, STRANGE little room that only smells good because we bought an air freshener. This air freshener is particularly fascinating because the sent is called ANGEL WHISPERS. Tell me, do YOU know what angel whispers smell like? I definitely didn’t. I guess I’m not as PRIVILEGED as the people who created this air freshener, because they OBVIOUSLY have had angels whisper sweet nothings into their ears. I should probably stop bashing my air freshener considering it is the sole reason that my closet now smells like a ROSE instead of a homeless man. ANYWAY, I started my classes yesterday. I am taking remedial algebra due to my ATROCIOUS score on the math section of the ACT.  Unfortunately for me, it was only one point below the minimum score I could receive to be exempt from remediation. Little does the board of education know that they are punishing me for my superb test taking skills. I purposely diverted my focus from the math section of the ACT in order to be more successful on the sections that I actually excel at. For example, EVERY OTHER SECTION. I am also taking Intro to Psychology, Visual Art Foundation, Old Testament Survey, and a class called The Boy Who Lived: Exploring Themes of Redemption in Harry Potter. OH, YES. My teacher for THAT class actually made chocolate frogs for us. Oh, AND she invited us all to her HOUSE to watch the last movie when it comes out on DVD. But it’s all for Jesus, right? Of COURSE!

God Bless, and may all your children become SUPER mathletes!              

-Alyssa